Enabling Alcoholism: How To Stop and Help a Loved one

You might be engaging in behaviours right now that are enabling alcoholism in your loved one and not even realise it. If this is the case, you are not alone.

Unfortunately, enabling only inhibits your loved one from receiving the help they need to recover.

Read on to learn what enabling looks like, how to truly help your loved one if they’re struggling with alcoholism, and the importance of taking care of yourself along the way.

What is enabling alcoholism?

Enabling happens when someone engages in behaviours that allow a person to perpetuate their substance use without having to face the negative consequences of it.

Usually, people don't intentionally enable their loved ones.

Enabling can stem from a place of wanting to protect the person who is using. If you have someone in your life who struggles with alcohol use, you may feel compelled to protect them through fear of losing them.

It can be difficult for you to watch your loved one face the consequences their addiction. You don’t want to see them struggle any more than they already do.

If you're enabling a loved one with alcoholism, you may also be doing it from a place of guilt. Perhaps you feel like you are letting them down if you don't do things to keep them safe.

Before exploring the harmful effects of enabling alcoholism, let's take a look at some examples of what enabling actually is.

What does enabling alcoholism look like?

Enabling behaviour takes on many different forms. Below are some examples of how certain actions can help perpetuate your loved one's alcohol addiction.

Examples of what enabling alcoholism looks like:

• Covering for your loved one if they are late or absent from work or education
• Covering for your loved one if they don't attend something they said they would, such as a family get-together
• Making excuses for your loved one's behaviour to other people
• Paying off a debt that your loved one owes
• Allowing your loved one to not contribute financially, and picking up their slack monetarily
• Taking care of your loved ones' basic needs, such as cooking for them or cleaning their space
• Avoiding your loved one’s problem
• Denying that your loved one is struggling with alcoholism and needs help
• Neglecting your own needs to prioritise your loved one

All of these acts often stem from a place of trying to help your loved one. They come from a well-intentioned space within you.

However, enabling a loved one in this way only allows them to continue using alcohol -without having to face the repercussions of their use. Those consequences can be social, financial, occupational or environmental.

Facing these consequences can be the tipping point that prompts your loved one to finally get the help they need.

Why is enabling alcoholism harmful?

Enabling alcoholism in your loved one, even when it's unintentional, will be harmful for them in the long run.

When you enable someone, they don't have to face the natural consequences of their alcohol use.

They don't have to feel that pain themselves.

Therefore, there is nothing inside of them saying that something needs to change.

If they don't have to face any consequences for their behaviours, there's no desire within them to shift their behaviours.

Because of this, enabling alcoholism in someone delays their ability to get help.

Natural consequences are what can push a person to seek and accept help. Even if your loved one has already been saying that they want to get help but they haven't actually gone yet, you may be engaging in enabling behaviours that are preventing them from having to face consequences that would push them to go to treatment.

Alcoholism is a disease that gets worse over time, it causes:

• The organs of the body to become more and more damaged
• Tolerance, pushing a person to drink more just to feel the same effects
• Consequences in all areas of life. These consequences start piling up on top of one another
• A sufferer and their family to become very ill and have an unhealthy perspective on life

The sooner your loved one gets into treatment, the better chance they'll have at recovering before the effects of their alcoholism get worse. Furthermore, their recovery means that you will also have a chance to fully heal and recover too!

Enabling alcoholism also affects you

Not only is enabling alcoholism hurtful for your loved one, but it's also harmful for you.

You're the one that has to live with the pain of the ripple effects of your loved one's behaviours.

By picking up their slack, covering for them, or protecting them, you are the one that ends up facing their consequences for them.

This can be a difficult burden to bear, and it can put you in a very uncomfortable position.

You may even end up building resentment towards your loved one over time. This is very common and natural.

What is the difference between enabling and helping?

When you’re helping someone who is struggling with an alcohol addiction, you're not shielding them from the consequences of their behaviours. You are acknowledging that they are very ill, that you are powerless over their actions and that they need professional help from people who can really make a difference.

This is significantly different from enabling alcoholism. When enabling, you’re protecting them from the consequences of their drinking that would otherwise naturally unfold if you didn't intervene.

Many people view enabling alcoholism as doing things for your loved one that they would normally do themselves if they were sober.

On the contrary, helping involves doing things for your loved one that they normally wouldn't do if they were sober.

For instance, helping your loved one can look like…

Stepping back and letting a natural consequence unfold

When you love someone with alcoholism, you'll likely try everything in your power to get them to stop drinking. As you’ve learned, enabling alcoholism in this way doesn’t allow the natural consequences of their drinking to unfold. To really help your loved one, don’t accept unacceptable behaviour from them. Don’t let them off the hook or let them slide. This isn’t being cold or mean, but rather acting in your loved one’s best interest. The best way you can help them is to take a step back. Allow your loved one to face the consequences of their drinking.

Knowing that they'll need outside help

The nature of alcohol addiction is all-encompassing, meaning it impacts all aspects of a person's being.

Chronic alcoholism...

• changes the way the brain is wired
• damages organs and internal systems
• impacts gravely on mental and emotional health
• gets more severe over time

Because of the nature of the disease, your loved one is going to need outside help in order to start the recovery process. Unfortunately, alcoholism isn't something they can simply “stop doing” on their own. This is because healing alcoholism isn't just about stopping alcohol use. It's about healing all of the aforementioned aspects, as well as getting into the underlying roots of what caused the addiction.

Getting them help

Instead of engaging in behaviours that may be enabling alcoholism in your loved one, you can focus your efforts on supporting them. One way to do this is to try getting them into treatment. Consider ways in which you can offer your loved one assistance that won't inadvertently allow them to perpetuate their behaviours.

You could offer to take them to a doctor or to a treatment center. You could give them a lift or support them in attending an AA meeting. There are many recovery-centred ways to offer support that will help your loved one instead of hurting them in the long run.

What to do if you have a loved one with alcoholism

1. Don’t avoid or ignore

If you've been avoiding or ignoring your loved one’s alcoholism, explain to them that you are aware of their problem. You can do this with empathy and compassion. Let them know that you love them and will support them in making a change. However, let them know that you will not support behaviours that perpetuate their addiction. Additionally, be sure not to speak to them judgmentally or in an accusatory way.

2. Create boundaries

Create boundaries to protect your mental health and your emotional energy. This can be in the form of creating boundaries with yourself and not allowing their behaviours to affect how you feel throughout the day. Additionally, this can be in the form of creating boundaries with your loved one, and letting them know what these boundaries are. If the boundaries are violated, be sure to follow through on a consequence. An example of setting a boundary would be, your loved one is not allowed to drink around your children, or be in the presence of your children when they have been drinking.

3. Don't blame yourself

If someone you love is struggling with alcoholism, you may hear them say that they drink because work is stressful, or because of some other external reasons. You may also hear them say that they drink because of you or the way you interact with them. If your loved one says something like this to you, try your best to not buy into it. When someone is struggling with an addiction, it is because of something that is happening internally, regardless of what the external circumstances are. Your loved one’s drinking is not your fault, so don't blame yourself, even if they make comments to you that would lead you to believe so.

4. Don’t bear the burden of thinking you have to cure them

When you love someone with an addiction, it can be easy to feel like you need to "cure them.” However, this isn't your burden to bear. Addiction is an incredibly complex disease that develops as a result of many different factors. It often takes a team of professionals and ongoing counselling and recovery efforts in order to achieve and maintain one’s recovery following a bout with addiction. You can't cure your loved one, and it's not your responsibility to. All you can do is love them and be there for them through their own recovery journey.

5. Don’t take over their responsibilities

When someone is addicted to alcohol, obtaining and using that substance becomes their first priority. Because of this, their responsibilities often fall by the wayside. You may be picking up the slack or taking over your loved one's responsibilities because they aren’t able to maintain them. This is a form of enabling alcoholism, as it does not allow your loved one to face the consequence of not maintaining their responsibilities. It can feel incredibly difficult in the moment, but try your best not to take over their responsibilities for them.

6. Don’t save them from legal consequences

Alcoholism often leads to a string of legal consequences for many people. If your loved one is facing legal issues as a direct result of their drinking, don't save them from these consequences. This can range from bailing them out of jail to paying for their lawyer. Again, these types of acts are enabling alcoholism and allow them to perpetuate their alcohol use because they don't have to face the consequences of their drinking. It is important for them to face these consequences in order to prompt change, so let the natural consequences unfold.

7. Don’t take their behaviours or the things they say personally

When someone is struggling with alcohol addiction, multiple areas in the brain change. The changes that occur in the brain result in changed behaviour in a person. If your loved one has told you that they will stop drinking but continue to do so, know that they may not be as in control of their decision-making as someone without an addiction. The parts of the brain that become affected by addiction regulate Impulse control, decision-making skills, problem-solving skills, and the ability to learn new things. If your loved one doesn’t treat you as they normally would, or if they tell you they'll stop but they keep drinking, try not to take it personally. This has nothing to do with how much they love and care about you. It just might literally be because of the brain changes that have occurred as a result of their use.

8. Don’t provide them a safety net

If you’re providing your loved one with food and shelter, cleaning for them, or taking care of them, this could potentially enable their alcoholism. If you are covering bills for them that they aren't paying due to not working as a result of their drinking, this could also be enabling alcoholism. By providing them with a safety net, you withhold them from facing the natural consequences that would unfold if you weren't covering their basic needs.

The importance of self-care and detachment when you love someone with alcoholism

When you love someone who is struggling with an alcohol addiction, it is easy to get consumed by their struggle. It becomes second nature to prioritise their well-being, while neglecting your own needs. However, self-care and detachment are incredibly important when you love somebody who has an addiction.

Practising self-care allows you to take a moment and observe what your needs are. Self-care extends from making time to engage in things that make us feel good mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, to creating healthy boundaries with our loved one.

Creating healthy boundaries and an emotional separation between you and the person you love is also known as detachment.

In Al-Anon, there is an emphasis on detaching with love, and how this allows you to focus on your own health and well-being without getting consumed by your loved one's addiction. When you detach from your loved one's problem, you allow them to experience the natural consequences of their addiction.

Detachment doesn't mean that you’ve stopped loving or engaging with your loved one. It simply means that you are separating yourself from the negative effects that their aloholism has on your own life.

By not enabling alcoholism, practising detachment, and engaging in self-care, you can reach a place of neutrality and love and be disconnected from a person’s behaviour.

A final word on enabling alcoholism

Loving someone with an alcohol addiction is an incredibly challenging place to be. You want to be there for them, but you don't want to enable their behaviours at the same time. Truly helping them involves a lot of difficult decisions, and thinking about what will be beneficial for them in the long run.

Recoverlution is here to support you with a wide variety of resources on the overwhelming nature of addiction.

If you would like to get started with your own self-care practise, Recoverlution also offers a Wellness Hub, which offers resources on nourishing activities such as yoga, meditation, and breathwork.

Additionally, Recoverlution offers an option to join or create a Circle, where you can connect with other people who are going through exactly what you're going through. Loving someone with an addiction can be an incredibly isolating place to be in, so don't hesitate to reach out if you need guidance, help, or support.

Author - Thurga

Read more:

How to help someone with alcohol addiction

Resources

• How to help an alcoholic https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-love-an-alcoholic-67300
• How to spot and stop enabling behaviour https://psychcentral.com/health/are-you-an-enabler
• Enabling 101: How Love Becomes Fear and Help Becomes Control https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134
• What is the difference between supporting and enabling? https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-is-the-difference-between-supporting-and-enabling#1