Surviving Someone Else’s Addiction
At Recoverlution we write a lot about how you can overcome your own addiction and thrive in recovery. But what happens when you are bearing the brunt of someone elses addiction?
In this article we look at how this can affect you, and the importance of self care and boundaries when a loved one has an addiction.
How can someone elses addiction harm you?
While the person most affected by addiction is almost always the person experiencing it, you can be harmed in many ways if you are close to this person. Here are a few of the ways that someone elses addiction can cause issues in your life.
Increased stress from someone elses addiction
The constant worry that accompanies having a loved one who has an addiction can push your stress levels to breaking point. When someone has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, you might be concerned about them overdosing, getting physically harmed or falling asleep and not waking up.
But it is not only substance addiction that can increase your level of stress. If your loved one is addicted to gambling, sex, or many other addictions, you may encounter a heightened level of stress. If someone close to you is hooked on gambling you might worry that they will try to steal money from you or get in trouble with money lenders. A partner with a sex addiction may cause you to question what they are doing every time they leave the house.
When you are constantly stressed in these ways, you cannot function effectively. Your levels of anxiety and depression rise and energy levels fall. You might change your eating habits or reduce the amount of time you spend socialising with people as you feel too distressed.
In addiction specialist Gabor Mate’s book “When the Body Says No”, Mate outlines the relationship between stress and disease. He highlights that the vast majority of his patients struggle with saying “no”.
When someone you care about has an addiction, saying “no” is one of the most important skills you can learn. Your mental and physical health depend on it.
Legal problems from someone elses addiction
Having someone in your house who is using drugs or engaging in criminal activity means you risk prosecution yourself if the police come to your house. You should absolutely not allow either of these activities to happen in your home.
Financial problems from someone elses addiction
Supporting someone’s addiction can get expensive, fast. Someone who has an addiction may manipulate you so that you will give them money to support their drug taking or gambling.
Social issues
Having someone living with you or coming to your house who is engaging in objectionable behaviour can cause problems with your neighbours, who are unlikely to appreciate anti-social behaviour.
You might even find that friends and loved ones distance themselves due to the actions of your addicted loved one. This can leave you isolated, which can lead to even further despair.
Having boundaries when your loved one has an addiction
Now that you understand some of the implications of stress from someone elses addiction, it is time to start thinking about boundaries. Putting boundaries in place may help you to reduce the impact that your loved one’s addiction is having on you. Doing this may also help you to help your loved one more effectively. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Boundaries to implement with an addicted loved one can include:
- No drugs or alcohol in the house. Having someone using drugs or drinking around you can be unpleasant. This rule also means that you will not be at risk of prosecution in relation to drugs, should the police visit your home.
- No drinking or using buddies in the house. People in active addiction regularly cause problems. The people your addicted loved one drinks or uses with are unlikely to be any different. Keeping these people out of your home will increase your peace of mind. It will help keep your home a safe space.
- Not handing out money. If your loved one is in active addiction, any money you give to them will likely fuel their addiction. If you have been funding this person, you are likely to be met with a refusal of this fact, and possibly abuse. Stay strong.
You might feel like enforcing your boundaries is mean or harmful to the addicted person, but it is quite the opposite. By constantly giving in to the demands of this person, you risk enabling them, so that they do not feel the full consequences of their actions.
It may take your loved one running out of money to buy drugs with and going through withdrawal, or even facing homelessness for a period of time, for them to reason that they cannot continue without seeking professional help.
Addiction and co-dependency
People who are in a relationship with someone with addiction problems often have co-dependency issues. Codependent people focus on the needs of others before their own needs in an attempt to alleviate pain that they are feeling.
Codependent people have difficulty enforcing boundaries. They go to extremes to maintain a relationship and can become obsessed with their partner.
Codependency is damaging to both people in the relationship. The addicted person is enabled, meaning that they stay stuck in a cycle of addiction. The codependent person ignores their own needs and is dragged down by the other person’s addictive behaviour.
If you feel like you may have a codependency issue, consider attending a codependency support group or seeking counselling.
Self-care when affected by someone else’s addiction
Enforcing boundaries is part of self-care, but if you are affected by someone elses addiction, it doesn’t stop there. Implementing these steps will help you to deal with the consequences of someone elses addiction.
Attend a support group
Support groups are not just for people with an addiction. There are also groups that people can attend who have a loved one who has addiction problems.
Al-anon
Al-Anon is a worldwide fellowship that offers support to anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking. The fellowship offers support and understanding to anyone who is struggling with the effects of a loved one's alcoholism. Al-Anon meetings are a safe place to share your story and hear from others who are going through similar experiences.
There is a similar programme, Nar-anon, for the loved one’s of people with drug addiction.
CODA (Codependency Anonymous)
CODA is a self-help group that can benefit someone who has a loved one with any addiction. It provides support and education about codependency, enabling its members to develop healthy relationships and set boundaries with others. CODA also offers guidance on how to cope with the stress of having a loved one with substance abuse problems.
Other support group open meetings
Groups like Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) have meetings that people without addiction problems are able to attend. Going to these (open) meetings may help you to gain a better understanding of addiction and how it affects your loved one.
The recovering addicts and alcoholics at these meetings may also be able to give you advice on how to deal with your addicted love one.
Get counselling
While support groups can be of an enormous benefit, the members do not usually have professional knowledge. Getting the help of a mental health professional means that you have someone on your side who you can depend on to listen and dispense consistently good advice.
Take a break
As we mentioned above, constantly facing stress from someone elses addiction can be incredibly stressful. Sometimes, the right thing to do is to create some space between you and the addicted person for a while. This might mean going on holiday somewhere, or it might just mean not spending time with the addicted person for a while.
Embrace powerlessness
Truly understanding that you are powerless over your addicted loved one can be incredibly freeing. While you may strongly desire for them to stop their addictive behaviour, for them to go to support groups or attend rehab, this is not your decision to make.
The reality is that people will only change when they are ready. Some people encounter minor difficulties due to their addiction and decide to stop. For others, the road to recovery is much longer. Whichever is the case, you cannot help until they are ready to seek help.
You can live a good life - even with the stress of someone else’s addiction
Having an addicted loved one can be incredibly stressful, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. Making sure that you enforce boundaries and practice self-care, will help you to both survive and thrive.
If you feel overwhelmed, try attending a support group or seeing a counsellor. Being able to get your burden off your chest and receive good advice can be key, both for you and the addicted loved one in your life.
Learn more about the various addictions by accessing our Knowledge hub.
Read more:
How to help someone with an alcohol addiction
References:
- Where to get support - https://smartcjs.org.uk/get-support/family/get-support/
- 10 Survival Tips For Loving An Addict - https://app.storychief.io/recoverlution/stories/408201/edit#/